A Little Survival Tip

By K Wrede

I confess, I can't do it alone. I can't wake up, fix breakfast, get clothes out, brush hair, brush teeth, pack lunches, get clothes on, turn off lights, turn off burners, put on lipstick and remember car keys by myself. Add two kids and a husband into the mix and life just got chaotic. (I know, I know, some of you have even more kids than that and I admire you for it!)

In the hustle and bustle of the morning routine I still want to be a kind, patient, happy mommy/wife, but I don't have that natural ability. (Our little secret, K?)

So I pray for it. Better said: When I remember to do so, I pray for it.
And I get it.

It seems whenever I ask for help to be a better mom/wife, I get it. Ideas come to my mind on what to say, how to act, and I even feel more peace inside, which then allows me to calm down a bit.

Does it really matter if my daughter hikes her mismatched socks up to her knees? Does it really matter that my son wants to wear the same underwear two days in a row?

No, it doesn't. (At least that's what the Universe tells me when I'm willing to listen.)

What matters is the people. What matters is how I treat "the people".

I write this as a reminder to myself and to all of us. Help with family relationships is never very far.

A Little Money... When Shopping Temptation Strikes

I am not a miser at heart. I am still tempted to buy the brand name cream of chicken soup at the store.

My husband and I have just made it through three degree programs, four children and a teacher's salary- and we've made it out debt free. Maybe you too are living lean by choice (or not by choice.) Here are some practices that have saved me financially and emotionally. These strategies have kept me honest, "acting my wage," and staying loyal to the budget and financial goals of my marriage.

1. Walk away from any unplanned purchase. It will be there tomorrow. Many purchases are emotional, and walking away, even for one hour, will diffuse the "buyer's high."

2. Count how much money you have saved by walking away. "I saved our family $200 today, honey! Look what I DIDN'T buy at Sephora, off of Amazon or at Gymboree!"

3. Meticulously scrub anything you are tempted to replace. Sick of your car? Your couch? Your gross, banged up, scratched and embarrassing kitchen table? (True story.) Clean every nook, use the right cleansers, and get it ready as if you were going to sell it. By caring for our things, we gain patience and a new perspective on our possessions.

4. Be constantly grateful. Continually fill your mind with thankfulness; get detailed. Start with your family, your health and abilities, your opportunities, your past, your possessions and even your trials. Serving others will take away the tasties to buy things- you will see your own blessings and be truly content with what you have.

5. If you need a shopping fix, go shopping at the library! Go alone to especially indulge yourself. Pick books on any topic and check out back issues of magazines. This really quenches your thirst for new things and starts to actually fill you with real riches- knowledge.

One last piece of advice: start talking and stalking. Tell people (brag) about the deals you find, the sacrifices your making and the goals you've met. "Yeah, I got this Victoria's Secret bra for $2 because it had a shoe print on it from the half-yearly sale. Cool, huh?!" Also, interview, haunt and hang out with people you admire financially. Learn from them and let them rub off on you, and you in turn will help others gain self control and peace from your example.

A Little Five on Friday... Five Ways to Improve your Marriage

Do something thoughtful.  Even if it's something small, just so long as it is nice and unexpected, your husband will love it!  Doing small acts of kindness for your spouse creates positive feelings towards you and adds to the "reservoir of positivity" and will get you through the difficult time.  Ideas: make his favorite dinner/desert, give him something he has been hinting he would like to have, offer to give him a back rub, or (heaven forbid) initiate some romance.

2. Make time.  It may seem obvious that we spend time with our hubbies, but there are so many things that distract us that often our relationship falls by the wayside.  So schedule some time with him.  Plan a date even!

3. Think before you speak.  Oh man, sometimes I suck at this.  But do as I say, not necessarily as I do... right?  Take his feelings into consideration.  Sometimes, ok, lots of times, I think I'm funny when I'm really not... do you have this problem too?  So think about how you are going to make him feel before you verbalize that witty comment that seems so hilarious in your head.

4. Don't take him for granted.  It's easy, after you have lived with someone for so long, to take them for granted.  Don't!  Think about how you felt about him when you were dating or newly married.  I keep photographs around the house for this particular purpose.  Anytime I struggle with this I imagine how it felt to see him on my doorstep when we were dating... and there I am... in love.

5. Support him.  It's a tough world out there!  When he walks through the door at the end of the day, let him know that you think he's a LITTLE GREAT.  Delay your complaints about the kids and your day and smile as you welcome him home.

{Read all posts by Aly}

A Little Advice... Fighting Fair

by Janet

Does this remind you of your house?  Around our house, we are actually fairly non- confrontational, but nevertheless tensions do arise here and there.  Here are some rules we try to follow for "fighting fair" when they do.

1.  Find out what the problem is.

2.  Attack the problem, not the person.  

3.  Use "I" messages.  "I feel so hurt/frustrated/upset when you XYZ" vs. "You make me so mad when you XYZ".  Take responsibility for your own feelings.  No one can "make" you feel anything.  

4.  Listen to what the other person has to say.

5.  Think about the other person's feelings before you say something you will regret.

6.  Think about why the other person is doing what they are doing.  MOST people don't do things just to be mean, they do them for a reason that makes sense to them based on their past experiences.  

Here are some things that are definitely OFF LIMITS when it comes to fighting fair:

Blaming

Name calling

Threats

Hitting

Put-downs ( I can honestly say that my husband has never put me down, pretty lucky, huh)

Making excuses

Not listening

Bringing up the past

Sneering

Eye rolling

Teeth gritting ( I added this one for myself, got to admit I'm guilty of a bit of it)

"I hate you" and "Shut Up!"  (these are big ones with our little guys)

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

Really???  From my experience, words can often hurt the most. Working on our own words and actions when we have conflicts will not only help us avoid hurting the ones we love the most, but will also help our kids learn to get along with each other and other people better.  Sounds like something worth working on to me. 

A Little Advice... Marriage

By Corinne

Okay let’s talk marriage.  We could all use a little help… I mean, the chance of a first marriage ending in divorce over a forty-year period is 67%.  Half of all divorces will occur in the first seven years, and some studies find the divorce rate for second marriages is as much as 10% higher than for first-marriages.  (All stats in this post are from the book referenced below).

With stats like that, couldn’t we all use a little help? 

Here’s the exciting part:  What if I told you that there is a researcher who could observe you and your spouse interact for just 5 minutes, and from that observation, predict with 91% accuracy whether or not your marriage will succeed?  Would you believe me?  (Well you should, because it’s true.)  More importantly, would you want to know the results?  Why or why not?  Do you believe that these results could be accurate?  Based on these results, would you want to change anything in your current relationship? (Rhetorical questions, all, but good questions, all…right?)

 

photo: www.jsptherapy.com

John M. Gottman, Ph.D. is a super celebrity in the field of Couples Counseling.  He is like the Brad AND the Angelina of superstardom when it comes to research about what does and doesn’t make a marriage successful. (READ MORE! click the "read more" link below).

A Little Idea... for your Marriage

by Aly

Photo Source: www.rexburgcounseling.com

News Flash: every couple argues.  In college I had learned about the "magic" 5:1 ratio (I studied Marriage and Family Therapy).  This means that there has to be five positive interactions to every one negative for a successful, happy marriage.  It's like an emotional savings account or a "reservoir of positive feeling." 
Recently I was watching some random, low-budget talk show on PBS.  The guest was a Marriage Therapist.  I had an "Ah-ha Moment" (Oprah and me).  The therapist said: every married couple has an average of nine issues that will never get resolved.  The key is not to dwell on these issues but to add positives.  "Oh... I see," (me thinking).
This isn't to say that major issues shouldn't be addressed.  However, maybe we shouldn't dwell so much on those just-kind-of-annoying issues.  You can still complain to your girlfriends, there just has to be a lot more good stuff in your marriage.  Have you said five nice things to your husband today?
Quote Source

A Little Advice... Infertility

by Corinne

I am not going to give you advice on how to overcome infertility... if I had that magic answer, I'd be pretty rich by now (not that the money would make me any happier!)

Instead I wanted to address how to talk to someone struggling with infertility.  It seems like it is hard to know the right thing to say, or whether to say anything at all.  When I became pregnant with my second child, my sister-in-law was desperately trying to get pregnant, and it was really difficult for her to hear my news, not to mention rather awkward for me to know how to tell her about it.  I wasn't going to insult her by not telling her I was expecting, but how to do it delicately was complicated... I wanted to empathize with her pain and own my joy at the same time.  
Infertility seems to be everywhere. I wondered if it is more common now than it used to be, but this article says that fertility rates are pretty much the same as they were 50 years ago, and that it is an extraordinarily common disorder - 25% of women will experience an episode of infertility in their lifetime.   
I talked to my friend Jen, who is also a psychologist, about how to talk to someone about infertility.  Jen struggled for years to get pregnant.  She gave me permission to use some of her wise words on this very subject.
Here is a great summary what she said, along with some of my own editorials:

• Acknowledge that there is an elephant in the room... usually...
  
  

A Little Parenting... The "Absolutely Necessary" Rule

By Janet
I once got some good parenting advice from a woman with eight children. They ranged in age from about 14 to 28 and all seemed to be intelligent, confident, NICE people. I asked her how she and her husband had managed to raise such great kids, and this is what she told me: "I only say "No" when it is absolutely necessary." I asked her what she meant by that. She said, "When my kids ask if they can do something, I ask myself: Is what they want to do morally or physically dangerous? If the answer is no, I say yes."

I've given this advice a lot of thought over the years, and tried to put it into practice whenever I can. This week, my seventeen-year-old son came to us asking if he could go out of town with his girlfriend and her family for two days. My first instinct was to say "No." Not for any particular reason, but just because it made me a little nervous and I would miss him. Then I thought about it and applied the "Absolutely Necessary Rule." I said "YES." He is a great kid. He will be well-supervised. The fact that we said yes shows him that we trust him. And, from my experience, will build our relationship more than would him moping around the house for two days while his girlfriend's family was gone.

With a different kid my answer might have been different. With my three older kids, the "Absolutely Necessary Rule" has worked wonders. They are great kids and some of my very best friends in the world. It may be Absolutely Necessary to say No more often with my three younger kids. Only time will tell...