A Little Learning... National Prematurity Awareness Day

Yesterday was National Prematurity Awareness Day and my friend Janet, who has two sons that were born premature, wrote this great post.  Please visit her blog, Lessons Learning, to read the full post.

A Little Musing... Working From Home

The Pleasures and Pitfalls of Working from Home As A Mother                   

photo:  babble.com

I work from home as a teacher for Utah’s Electronic High School.  I’ve been doing it for almost ten years (sometimes while also teaching at school).  I’ve also had two other home-based businesses over the years- creating and selling wholesale and retail floral arrangements and running a children’s performing group (yes, really).    In general, my working from home has been a great blessing for our family.  However, there are also times when working at home can be, well, somewhat of a pain.

Do you think that working from home would be ideal for you?  Here are some pros and cons that I’ve discovered along my way.

Pros:

Flexibility.  I can stop what I am doing for an appointment or family crisis (big or small) at any time.  I can work really hard one day, and much less another if I need to.  I can be there for a friend or family member who needs me. 

Being home at the crossroads.  I am able to be home in the morning when my kids leave for school and in the afternoon when they get home.

No commute. Saves time, money and the environment.

No daycare costs.

Cons:

The work is always there.  You always feel like you should be working.  It never goes away.  Evenings, weekends, etc, you find yourself thinking that you should be working.  My work even follows me on vacation.  This drives my husband and family insane.

You may be home physically, but still not available to your family.  How many times over the years have I “put off” my kids so I could “just hurry and get this done”.  This is a big one for me. My three year old crawls all over me while I try to work on my laptop and he watches PBS kids, Playhouse Disney and Nick Jr. most mornings.  Is this ideal?  No.  Is it reality?  Yes. 

You miss out on interactions with your co-workers and other adults.  You miss the brainstorming sessions and workplace friendships.  You miss the kudos for a job well done.  In my current work, I miss the face-to-face interactions with students.  A LOT.

The money may not be as good and benefits are rare. This is especially true when you decide to sell a product you make.  You may put in a great deal of time and effort and see only very limited rewards.  I am blessed that my job today comes with a regular paycheck- in the past that was not always the case.

Boredom and isolation are often realities.  When I don’t regularly get out of my house, whether to go to the gym or out with friends or whatever, I sometimes start to feel very lonely and isolated.  I’m sure this would also be true, though, if I were a full time mom at home. 

What do you think?  Do you work at home?  Do you like it?  Can you think of pros and cons I might not have thought of?  What have you found to be the pros and cons of working at home?  I’d love to hear your comments.

"Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the places you can, to all the people you can, as long as you ever can."  - John Wesley

A Little Advice... Fighting Fair

by Janet

Does this remind you of your house?  Around our house, we are actually fairly non- confrontational, but nevertheless tensions do arise here and there.  Here are some rules we try to follow for "fighting fair" when they do.

1.  Find out what the problem is.

2.  Attack the problem, not the person.  

3.  Use "I" messages.  "I feel so hurt/frustrated/upset when you XYZ" vs. "You make me so mad when you XYZ".  Take responsibility for your own feelings.  No one can "make" you feel anything.  

4.  Listen to what the other person has to say.

5.  Think about the other person's feelings before you say something you will regret.

6.  Think about why the other person is doing what they are doing.  MOST people don't do things just to be mean, they do them for a reason that makes sense to them based on their past experiences.  

Here are some things that are definitely OFF LIMITS when it comes to fighting fair:

Blaming

Name calling

Threats

Hitting

Put-downs ( I can honestly say that my husband has never put me down, pretty lucky, huh)

Making excuses

Not listening

Bringing up the past

Sneering

Eye rolling

Teeth gritting ( I added this one for myself, got to admit I'm guilty of a bit of it)

"I hate you" and "Shut Up!"  (these are big ones with our little guys)

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

Really???  From my experience, words can often hurt the most. Working on our own words and actions when we have conflicts will not only help us avoid hurting the ones we love the most, but will also help our kids learn to get along with each other and other people better.  Sounds like something worth working on to me. 

A Little Parenting... 10 Activities to Stengthen Your Family

by Janet

I have six kids, three biological, three adopted.  Although I've had my adopted kids since they came home from the hospital, raising them still offers more challenges than raising my biological kids has. One of the things I spend time thinking about as I parent these little guys is how to build the closeness and attachment that will make them WANT to be good people.

These are some activities and ideas to build attachment that I've gathered through the years.  Okay, the "cheese" factor (as my kids might say) on some of these is a little high, but deep down inside, don't most of us like (and need) a little “cheese” in our lives now and then?

1)  The 10-20-10 rule.  Try to give each child ten minutes of your attention in the morning, twenty minutes after school, and ten minutes before bed.  Keep this time positive- listen to their joys and worries, play a game, read stories, do things you both enjoy.  It helps kids remember that you love them even when they’ve heard lots of negatives throughout the day.  Click "read more" below.

A Little Love... The Five Love Languages

by Janet

Do you melt when your sweetie unexpectedly gives you flowers?  Or, would you rather he emptied the dishwasher or bathed the kids at the end of a long day?  Do you love cards and notes of appreciation, or does holding hands make you feel all warm inside? 

According to Dr. Gary Chapman in The Five Love Languages there are five distinct ways that we all (adults and children alike) like to be loved.  These include:

• touch, 
• quality time, 
• gifts, 
• service and 
• affirmations. 

Personally, I like affirmations, followed by acts of service.  Love notes and gifts are nice, but honestly, they just don't "do it" for me.

Not sure what love language you prefer?  Wonder what language your spouse or children "speak"?  Take one of the following quizzes to find out:

• For Adults
• For Kids

Knowing what love language the people close to you prefer helps you better meet their needs.  Their "love buckets" (as my sister used to say) become full, and they have the reservoir of good feeling they need to love others and make it through the tough times.  It may not feel natural at first to love others in ways that wouldn't be our own first choice, but once we do, and they feel loved more fully, our relationships deepen and become even more rewarding. 

And, after all, isn't that what we want most for our selves and those we love?
{Click "read more" below for Love Language specifics!}

A Little Perspective... Haiti

by Janet

Recently we’ve all been watching in horror the devastation and human suffering accompanying the magnitude 7.0 earthquake in Haiti.  How many of us, though, realize how the people of Haiti, and so many of the people in the world, live on a daily basis?

How would you complete the following sentence: 

If you have a bed to sleep on, food in your refrigerator and a roof over your head, you are among the richest ______ percent of the world’s population. 

If you’d like to know the answer, as well as many other interesting facts about our standing in the world, watch this video compiled with the aid of statistics from the United Nations and PBS.  Pretty amazing...

A Little Insight... My Trip to Antarctica

by Janet

 (photo www.alaska-in-pictures.com)

There’s a story I’ve heard referred to many times entitled “Welcome to Holland”. Maybe you’ve heard it, too.  In the story a traveler is at first dismayed when she realizes that instead of arriving for her dream vacation in Italy, as she had expected, she has arrived in Holland.  The “gist” of the story is that sometimes in life we don’t get to take the “trip” we originally envision or expect, but the new “trip” we find ourselves on is just as good.  The story was originally written for parents of children with disabilities, but can also be applied to others experiencing challenges and adversity.

Over the years I’ve given this story a lot of thought, and lately I have decided to modify it a bit to relate to my own life.  I’ve decided that for me, life’s trials and disappointments, whatever they may be, are more like a trip to ANTARCTICA...

A Little Cinema... The Blind Side

By Janet

I saw an awesome movie last night, The Blind Side. Maybe you've seen it. Anyway, it didn't hurt that I got to go with one of my daughters, after an especially frustrating day with my three little sons. My nice husband came home from work and just told us to go, and five minutes later we did. Delicious.

In the movie a gutsy, in-your-face southern woman basically rescues a homeless young black man and, with her help (and that of her amazingly and surprisingly supportive husband and family), he becomes a successful college football star. Its a true story, which makes it all the better.

I'm a sucker for a good message movie, and this one is now on my list of favorites. I kind of expected it to make me want to go out there and adopt more kids (I've already done it three times) but I can't say that it did (well, maybe just a liiiittttllle). What struck me the most about this movie was the main character's incredible CONFIDENCE. Would I have the confidence to do what I knew was right and pick up a big young African American man at night on a country road? Would I let him sleep downstairs on the couch in my home? Would I have the confidence to confront this young man's former friends in the projects, when I knew they were potentially dangerous gangsters?

This movie also made me count my blessings. There is another world out there, a world those of us sitting in our comfortable suburban homes with our comfortable suburban lives don't even recognize as the reality for the majority of people in this world. Do you worry about having enough food to eat? About where you are going to sleep tonight? Do you worry about your safety at home and in your neighborhood? If not, COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS.

I know I need to.

A Little Parenting... Bowling

By Janet
Monday night we were looking for something fun to do as a family. Because it is Christmas break, we have all our kids at home right now, and their ages range from 3 to 23. When you remember that my autistic and delayed sons are also in the mix, well, its, shall we say, a challenge finding something to please everyone.

We thought about getting a babysitter and going to see Avatar with the older kids, but when you add up the cost of five adult movie tickets (3D) plus popcorn and drinks (crazy expensive), plus the babysitter, well, you are looking at almost $100.00. Pretty steep. Also, that leaves the younger kids out and means a night in front of the TV for them.

Then I had an idea. Why not try bowling? We'd done it before, but it had been a long time ago, when the little boys were much younger.

I looked online and found a deal- $49.95 for a lane of bowling for 75 minutes. It included shoes, a large pizza, bread sticks and two pitchers of soda. I talked to my husband about it, and we decided to give it a try.

It turned out great. We got the end lane. There were nine of us (my son brought a friend) and we all had lots of fun. The little boys took turns bowling here and there with a ramp and bumpers and were happy as could be. The music and lights were fun and upbeat, and we all found ourselves making fools of ourselves dancing around. Seeing my tiny-for-his age six year old trying to spin on his back as he break danced was, well, just about too cute for words. The pizza was good, the breadsticks great, and the company the best.

So, next time you are looking for a fun night out as a family, think about giving bowling another try. Check online and in your Happenings coupon book for deals.

A Little Parenting... The "Absolutely Necessary" Rule

By Janet
I once got some good parenting advice from a woman with eight children. They ranged in age from about 14 to 28 and all seemed to be intelligent, confident, NICE people. I asked her how she and her husband had managed to raise such great kids, and this is what she told me: "I only say "No" when it is absolutely necessary." I asked her what she meant by that. She said, "When my kids ask if they can do something, I ask myself: Is what they want to do morally or physically dangerous? If the answer is no, I say yes."

I've given this advice a lot of thought over the years, and tried to put it into practice whenever I can. This week, my seventeen-year-old son came to us asking if he could go out of town with his girlfriend and her family for two days. My first instinct was to say "No." Not for any particular reason, but just because it made me a little nervous and I would miss him. Then I thought about it and applied the "Absolutely Necessary Rule." I said "YES." He is a great kid. He will be well-supervised. The fact that we said yes shows him that we trust him. And, from my experience, will build our relationship more than would him moping around the house for two days while his girlfriend's family was gone.

With a different kid my answer might have been different. With my three older kids, the "Absolutely Necessary Rule" has worked wonders. They are great kids and some of my very best friends in the world. It may be Absolutely Necessary to say No more often with my three younger kids. Only time will tell...