A Little Idea... Four Keys to Romance in Marriage

Four pregnancies and nine years after our wedding, I was wondering if romance (or “red hot monogamy”) was something reserved for vampire movies, people who have dated less than a month or cologne ads. I found out the truth about a year ago.

Romance is not an accident.

According to Dr. Harley in “His Needs, Her Needs for Parents,” romance is not something cosmic or mysterious. In fact, after years of study, behavioral scientists have found that if four key needs are met in a relationship, romance will develop. It is possible to have passion in marriages of any length- to be married to your boyfriend and not just be roommates!

The Four Romantic Needs

1. Intimate Conversation. Couples who talk at length and openly about their dreams, hopes, and personal views become emotionally bound to one another. Women in particular rank intimate conversation as one of the most satisfying aspects of a romantic relationship and are more likely to become physically intimate when lots of conversation exists. Make time to talk without the kids and listen without judgment.

2. Recreational Activities. When couples get out and do things together that they love, romance develops. Men ranked this highest next to sexual intimacy in romance importance. Dating, particularly in mature marriages, should not be seen as a luxury. It is a need. If one spouse loves rock climbing, both could learn it. Love to go star gazing, cheese tasting or running? Do it! Budget for dating and make it happen. According to successful family therapists, couples need on average 15 hours of alone time together a week to create and maintain romance. This may seem like a lot, but when you were dating you spent hours together- and you were high on the romance meter. Romance takes a consistent time investment.

3. Intimate Touch. This refers to non-sexual touch. Couples who hug, hold hands, touch arms, give soft caresses and other forms of caring, physical attention create romance. Touch is a basic human need. It is common that one spouse might need touch more than the other; both spouses should learn to ask for, give and receive physical touch.

4. Sexual Intimacy. If the previous three needs are met, then sex tends come naturally in many relationships and be enjoyable for both partners. If this aspect of romance struggles, consider if you have enough conversation, recreation and non-sexual touch. There are very instructive and tasteful books for couples, (and not just for newly weds) including “And They Were Not Ashamed” by Laura Brotherson as well as counseling resources through Wasatch Family Therapy (who offer family and intimacy counseling options all over the U.S.) Don’t be afraid to seek out help; many couples just need someone to talk to get information and share feelings.

It has been a huge influence on our marriage to read positive marriage texts like this one. We read maybe five minutes at night- which has lead to hours of enjoyable dating again. I feel like I've got my boyfriend back!

A Little Apology...Saying I'm Sorry

by K Wrede

Those of us who are married, well, wait a minute, those of us who are in a relationship of any kind understand how effective a sincere apology can be. And, if you're like me, you think it is usually the other party who needs to be apologizing!

My family moved many times when I was a child and, as a result, I didn't really get to practice maintaining close relationships until I was in my 20's. One of the things I have learned about relationships is that it is very easy to allow pride to keep one from admitting fault and apologizing. It takes much more effort and (dare I say) character to approach the other party in a spirit of compromise and humility. I admit, many times I lack the wherewithal to be the first to apologize or try to make amends, but can share that when I am that person, I feel so much lighter and free inside--good karma abounds. :)

For those of you who may identify with me and find it hard to be the first one to try and get past negative feelings and move on, I will say that when I reach out the the Universe for help, I always get it, and the negative energy I am harboring is somehow erased.

The words, "I'm sorry", can be a healing balm to achy feelings between loved ones and I hope to get more practice at saying them.

A Little...Family Time

by K Wrede

A few weeks ago, I was somewhat compelled to take an inventory of my priorities, and was disheartened to learn my current use of time was not in line with some of my long term goals. I realized that I spent quite a significant amount of time each week alone, yet am married with two (beautiful and perfect :) ) children.

Around the same time, my husband was also in place where he saw a need for more family cohesion. He and I have since made a concerted effort to be together more, and though it has only been a few weeks thus far, we have noticed a real difference in our family dynamics. We have more harmony, more camaraderie, and more . . . general happiness. Personally, I feel more of a draw to be with my husband and kids verses staying late at work and/or going to the gym. Though exercise is very important to me, I have decided that with the amount of money I spend on a gym membership, I will instead by my own set of weights and have the family join my workout!


Now, don't get me wrong, I am neither saying that what we've done is for everyone (we're all at different places in our lives and have different needs), nor am I saying that my life is now void of challenges. What I am saying is that spending more time together as a family, including just the mere desire to do so, has brought my priorities back in line with what I want out of life and has increased my family's general well-being.

You know what they say: "Family, isn't it about . . . time?" :)

A Little Five on Friday... Five Ways to Improve your Marriage

Do something thoughtful.  Even if it's something small, just so long as it is nice and unexpected, your husband will love it!  Doing small acts of kindness for your spouse creates positive feelings towards you and adds to the "reservoir of positivity" and will get you through the difficult time.  Ideas: make his favorite dinner/desert, give him something he has been hinting he would like to have, offer to give him a back rub, or (heaven forbid) initiate some romance.

2. Make time.  It may seem obvious that we spend time with our hubbies, but there are so many things that distract us that often our relationship falls by the wayside.  So schedule some time with him.  Plan a date even!

3. Think before you speak.  Oh man, sometimes I suck at this.  But do as I say, not necessarily as I do... right?  Take his feelings into consideration.  Sometimes, ok, lots of times, I think I'm funny when I'm really not... do you have this problem too?  So think about how you are going to make him feel before you verbalize that witty comment that seems so hilarious in your head.

4. Don't take him for granted.  It's easy, after you have lived with someone for so long, to take them for granted.  Don't!  Think about how you felt about him when you were dating or newly married.  I keep photographs around the house for this particular purpose.  Anytime I struggle with this I imagine how it felt to see him on my doorstep when we were dating... and there I am... in love.

5. Support him.  It's a tough world out there!  When he walks through the door at the end of the day, let him know that you think he's a LITTLE GREAT.  Delay your complaints about the kids and your day and smile as you welcome him home.

{Read all posts by Aly}

A Little Lesson in Love... Marriage

by Guest Contributor Sonja

"Fifty-five," he begins.
"No fifty-four," she corrects.
"Are you sure?" he asks.
"Come on, let's say it together."
"Oh alright."
"Fifty-four long, horrible, miserable years," they chime together.
"The same year Disneyland opened."
Funny, I think to myself. The multi-billion dollar resort that bills itself as "The Happiest Place on Earth" cuts the ribbon the same year Martha and Richard White tie the knot.  I can't exactly explain my fascination with the Whites. Perhaps it's simply because he still holds her hand when they cross the street. Or that they go everywhere together, even the gym. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the way their eyes light up around each other.
I see in them a rare treasure. They have created the happiest place on earth and it's evident even in their wonderful tongue-in-cheek response to my question of how long they've been married.
Richard explains to me that when he was a young man, after he'd served his church on a mission, and served his country, he began to wonder when he'd get served. He wanted to fall in love and settle down. So he waited. And waited.
And then she came.
She walked in the room, and he knew. "It was like I was meeting an old friend."
Martha was beautiful, spunky, and seventeen.
Richard was her dashing, twenty-three year old Sunday school teacher.
He took her out for shakes and not long after that, they were married.

A Little Advice... Fighting Fair

by Janet

Does this remind you of your house?  Around our house, we are actually fairly non- confrontational, but nevertheless tensions do arise here and there.  Here are some rules we try to follow for "fighting fair" when they do.

1.  Find out what the problem is.

2.  Attack the problem, not the person.  

3.  Use "I" messages.  "I feel so hurt/frustrated/upset when you XYZ" vs. "You make me so mad when you XYZ".  Take responsibility for your own feelings.  No one can "make" you feel anything.  

4.  Listen to what the other person has to say.

5.  Think about the other person's feelings before you say something you will regret.

6.  Think about why the other person is doing what they are doing.  MOST people don't do things just to be mean, they do them for a reason that makes sense to them based on their past experiences.  

Here are some things that are definitely OFF LIMITS when it comes to fighting fair:

Blaming

Name calling

Threats

Hitting

Put-downs ( I can honestly say that my husband has never put me down, pretty lucky, huh)

Making excuses

Not listening

Bringing up the past

Sneering

Eye rolling

Teeth gritting ( I added this one for myself, got to admit I'm guilty of a bit of it)

"I hate you" and "Shut Up!"  (these are big ones with our little guys)

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

Really???  From my experience, words can often hurt the most. Working on our own words and actions when we have conflicts will not only help us avoid hurting the ones we love the most, but will also help our kids learn to get along with each other and other people better.  Sounds like something worth working on to me. 

A Little Advice... Marriage

By Corinne

Okay let’s talk marriage.  We could all use a little help… I mean, the chance of a first marriage ending in divorce over a forty-year period is 67%.  Half of all divorces will occur in the first seven years, and some studies find the divorce rate for second marriages is as much as 10% higher than for first-marriages.  (All stats in this post are from the book referenced below).

With stats like that, couldn’t we all use a little help? 

Here’s the exciting part:  What if I told you that there is a researcher who could observe you and your spouse interact for just 5 minutes, and from that observation, predict with 91% accuracy whether or not your marriage will succeed?  Would you believe me?  (Well you should, because it’s true.)  More importantly, would you want to know the results?  Why or why not?  Do you believe that these results could be accurate?  Based on these results, would you want to change anything in your current relationship? (Rhetorical questions, all, but good questions, all…right?)

 

photo: www.jsptherapy.com

John M. Gottman, Ph.D. is a super celebrity in the field of Couples Counseling.  He is like the Brad AND the Angelina of superstardom when it comes to research about what does and doesn’t make a marriage successful. (READ MORE! click the "read more" link below).

A Little Love... The Five Love Languages

by Janet

Do you melt when your sweetie unexpectedly gives you flowers?  Or, would you rather he emptied the dishwasher or bathed the kids at the end of a long day?  Do you love cards and notes of appreciation, or does holding hands make you feel all warm inside? 

According to Dr. Gary Chapman in The Five Love Languages there are five distinct ways that we all (adults and children alike) like to be loved.  These include:

• touch, 
• quality time, 
• gifts, 
• service and 
• affirmations. 

Personally, I like affirmations, followed by acts of service.  Love notes and gifts are nice, but honestly, they just don't "do it" for me.

Not sure what love language you prefer?  Wonder what language your spouse or children "speak"?  Take one of the following quizzes to find out:

• For Adults
• For Kids

Knowing what love language the people close to you prefer helps you better meet their needs.  Their "love buckets" (as my sister used to say) become full, and they have the reservoir of good feeling they need to love others and make it through the tough times.  It may not feel natural at first to love others in ways that wouldn't be our own first choice, but once we do, and they feel loved more fully, our relationships deepen and become even more rewarding. 

And, after all, isn't that what we want most for our selves and those we love?
{Click "read more" below for Love Language specifics!}

A Little Idea... for your Marriage

by Aly

Photo Source: www.rexburgcounseling.com

News Flash: every couple argues.  In college I had learned about the "magic" 5:1 ratio (I studied Marriage and Family Therapy).  This means that there has to be five positive interactions to every one negative for a successful, happy marriage.  It's like an emotional savings account or a "reservoir of positive feeling." 
Recently I was watching some random, low-budget talk show on PBS.  The guest was a Marriage Therapist.  I had an "Ah-ha Moment" (Oprah and me).  The therapist said: every married couple has an average of nine issues that will never get resolved.  The key is not to dwell on these issues but to add positives.  "Oh... I see," (me thinking).
This isn't to say that major issues shouldn't be addressed.  However, maybe we shouldn't dwell so much on those just-kind-of-annoying issues.  You can still complain to your girlfriends, there just has to be a lot more good stuff in your marriage.  Have you said five nice things to your husband today?
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